It's been a year, right?
For me it seems like yesterday. I remember when the news came out and I was sleeping (yea) and I woke up feeling I needed to because something happened - and in fact it did. Checking Twitter timeline, I got myself in the middle of this situation with your name #1 on Trendings.
"WHAT HAPPENED TO CHESTER? DID HE LEAVE THE BAND?"
"Surprise!" - My expectations were down, low, deep into the ground, when I read the first line:
You. Were. Dead.
*mind-blow*
(me) "What's going on? Where am I? Where's he? Why he's not here? Can someone tell me what I missed?"
(anyone) "You missed EVERYTHING. He went through SO much, and you put him aside. He gave up the good life, the family, the work he loved the most, the people he helped, people he knew a little, a lot, only the name or the face. He gave up. But he is free now." "By the way, two months before it he was just in your city and you didn't even noticed."
(me) "WHAT?!?!?!?"
*end of mind-blow*
And then I realized what I did. I am 100% sure if you were still alive, I'd be still "forgetting about you". I wouldn't have known about your demons or your beautiful work fighting against them. I wouldn't have known about your feelings for life, and how you showed it to the world through your lungs and voice. I wouldn't know about YOU, Chester, how bad could it be?
I just feel terrible. Guilty. Powerless. There's this empty space in my mind and heart and it's irreplaceable, irreparable. I'm lost since the very first moment but, I don't really know why. There's no reason for me to feel like this, right?
It's been a year and I remember my worst days: panic attacks, disease, scratches, scars, pain and suffering, but who cares, you know? I feel this is overreact but I just can't control my brain with these thoughts. I can't control my tears when I think about you. I can't control my feelings when I see your pictures - you ARE so beautiful, so full of light, so talented, so humble, kind and still had a lot to do, live and see...
But I know I'm far beyond feel anything your close ones are feeling until now. I know I'm just a negligent girl from South America who's hurt because of this inner pain caused by the silence of the first voice from rock 'n' roll she listened to and let it go years before.
I know it'll be alright, my dear. I know you're still here. Maybe not 'in persona', maybe just in the heart and mind, maybe just in a few places. But I can promise, you won't be forgotten again. At least not from me. Not from my loud mornings or from my busy nights.
You won't be forgotten, Chester Bennington. I PROMISE YOU.
While the time passes by and life keeps its way and changing, I'll be here screaming -as a crazy bitch-all the words you sang, sharing it with whoever wants to hear me.
****
It's been a year, I guess. I wish I could get back to that very day to understand it. To try to understand you, your reasons and choices and why you did that. I can't judge you, but "how I wish I could stop your pain". But no one could. And now, no one can bring you back. There's this thing missing. Someone's been missing. You are missed, Chaz, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST COME BACK AND SAY IT WAS A NIGHTMARE?
I can't believe still. I just want this to end. I want you back. I NEED it. It's bigger than myself, and I can't still imagine what's coming to our lives. But I want the pain to go away, the memory to remain and for you to feel okay.
Thank you for your life. It was worthy. Still is. You're a brave soldier. Rest in peace, dear love.
