Black and White Dreams

You laid your head on my shoulder
You were so right, you were so sure
You were mine, you wanted to.

So I kept you close, looking into your eyes
Shining so bright in our black and white world
Our song is on the radio, in our ears
Playing at the same time, for you and me
I promised you'd be safe.

While I was handing my everything to you
Like a movie, we're the stars
You held me softly, you knew where you wanted to go
Inside my mind, into my soul, in the deepest place of my heart.

You knew I needed you, your presence, your existence, your resistence-
Your smile, your touch, your lies to make me feel better
You knew I needed to feel I was made to be in your arms
I found out right when we first kissed.

Never thought about destiny
But this time it was real
It called me to you, put me where I belong
There were no chance to be wrong
You're the chosen one of so many others - among.

I was waiting for you to take my hand
We could run away from this land
Just sail across the ocean going nowhere
We could run the world together
Paint it in our own colours
Just you and me, the way it had to be.

April/19

I'm sure, that was you.
Your features, your eyes, your [greenish] brown eyes,
That large smile I love so bad
That angelical voice I'd be rude to forget

You were there, you wanted to be.
And while I played with your hair
You were trying to remember that song we listened to years ago

Years? Wow
We were really close to each other, and for a long time
Who could imagine?

*Oh please don't wake up, girl
You're right where you wanted to be*

We were in silence
Staring one to another
Just wondering if that was right
If that was happening for real
If I could get to know you so easy like that

If someday I could get even closer to you
If you'd be there if I needed a friend
If we could find peace in each other's heart and soul...

I had a dream and you were there

At that train station with me.

That was a typical english subway

And there was this 1920's old fashioned library.

We decided to sit there and chill, then I laid down on you.

I still get a little embarrassed about it

This kind of intimacy we have

But I get the best view to look you in the eyes

Watch you smile like one can, you got me hypnotized.

Autor Desconhecido

Sabe aquela vontade de procurar saber tudo sobre todas as coisas? (Sim, como o "Cid, O Cientista")

Eu nunca tive.

"Por que?"

Eu fui criada pra conhecer *nada*. Eu fui criada pra observar e aceitar. Fui criada pra ser a melhor versão de mim, mesmo que eu não soubesse nada de nada. Por "melhor versão", eu quero dizer "melhor que os outros".

É claro que eu nunca entendi ou concordei com isso. Eu queria buscar saber mais coisas, ser legal com as pessoas, falar sobre qualquer coisa, mas o bloqueio da minha bolha era maior do que a minha ferramenta pra sair e buscar -seja lá o que for-.

Eu passei tanto tempo ouvindo que eu devia ser melhor que os outros que hoje eu me considero uma pessoa egoísta. Eu me rebelei por um tempo, fazia só o que eu "queria", mas mesmo assim, a única coisa que eu aprendi foi que eu precisava de uma fonte de informações, e que os livros de auto ajuda que tinham em casa não seriam úteis.

Foi tanta pressão, tanto peso colocado nas costas que além do problema físico, hoje eu encaro dificuldade de manter pessoas por perto, de iniciar e terminar conversas, porque eu tenho MEDO de me relacionar com pessoas desconhecidas.

"Medo? Que medo, menina? Nós somos legais!"

É o que eu digo pra mim mesma todo dia. Eu não preciso ter medo de nada nem de ninguém (com algumas exceções). Mas eu tenho. Medo.

Medo de encarar coisas sozinha.

Medo de pessoas novas.

Medo de lugares novos.

Medo de desafios, qualquer coisa que teste o tempo em relação à minha produtividade.

Medo de qualquer tipo de mudança.

Medo de errar.

Medo de ser avaliada.

Medo de ficar entre os piores.

Medo de pensar diferente, fora da caixa.

Medo de mostrar minhas ideias.

Medo de ser eu mesma.

Depois de anos, eu venho percebendo que eu nunca me encaixei em lugar nenhum, eu nunca entendi qual era a minha vocação, eu não entendo até hoje o que preciso fazer pra mudar tudo isso.

Eu continuo com todos esses medos. E cada dia que passa, eles aparecem mais. Não maiores, só mais frequentemente. E são muitos (aqueles ali em cima) pra uma pessoa só, então acumula tudo de uma vez, é desesperador.

Eu criei um monstro dentro de mim. E fora também. A ansiedade que mora no canto direito do meu cérebro fica alerta, esperando uma novidade pra evitar.

Sair de casa? Não.

Andar sozinha em lugares que nunca fui antes? Nem pensar.

Falar com os outros? Cobrar algo de alguém? NUNCA (eu espero o tempo que for, mas não tomo iniciativa.)

Apresentar um trabalho sempre foi um problema: tremedeira, suor frio, milhares de visões sobre a avaliação do professor, "e se os outros não entenderem?", aquele branco no pensamento que me obriga a sempre ter uma cola perto pra lembrar do que eu preciso falar.

Aquela bolha em que eu vivo é muito resistente. Eu tento estourar mas as camadas parecem não acabar. "É uma bolha mesmo?"

Eu ainda tenho medo, e por causa desse medo, eu perdi muita coisa (boa e ruim, sim, a gente aprende com erros também) e se eu pudesse voltar e falar o que eu vejo hoje, talvez fosse muito diferente de como tudo aconteceu, desde meus primeiros anos.

Quero descobrir quem eu sou. Quero descobrir do que eu gosto. Quero definir as coisas que sei fazer. Quero conhecer o mundo. Quero ter a melhor ideia que EU já tive. Não precisa ser a melhor de todas, mas aquela que faça sentido pra mim. Eu quero que a minha vida faça sentido. Quero saber responder porque eu escolhi o meu caminho e porque eu não me arrisquei até hoje.

Quero ser eu mesma, e não alguém que os outros querem que eu seja. Sem medos, ansiedades, sem nenhum peso nas costas. Só ser eu mesma.

Life Sucks

Life sucks

No matter how many good things I do

No matter how much effort I put on it

No matter how many times I try

It never goes away

This feeling

This fucking feeling I'm a failure.

I can't get a job, I can't be popular, I can't be rich, I can't even have friends because they go away.

These are material things, even people. But right now I need it. And I haven't. Like that expensive medication doctor wrote. Like that fancy outfit I can't afford. Like that dream trip I'll never do if it depends on me and money. Like helping people to feel better. Like being more open to the ones I know. Like showing I know how to say I love you without facing the sky, ashamed.

I see no point to stand and fight. Nothing works right. I got no incentive. Just pressure left. So many thought on my mind, no one to talk about. I don't want to sound boring. I don't need a therapist again. I don't wanna go there again. I wanna be like a normal person. With no anxiety. With no social life problems. With no worries of other people inside my mind trying to play with my own appointments.

Look at them, they're happy. They can be lying. They can be suffering. But they don't seem to be like that. How's that so easy?

Every time I cry I feel I can't do anything. Empty. Every time I say "no" it's like I'm closing another door to that chapter in the book of my life. Every time I find something nice to do no one supports me and I don't even know why. Do they care? Are they sad I'm thinking by myself so small? What the hell is going on? Why is that so fuckin hard to share my feelings?

I don't want to sound a drama queen to anyone. I don't want to tell my whole life to someone feel pity about me. I don't want "wait and see" if someone will understand my white people problems. I'm no miserable. I'm no hunger, I'm just someone trying to reach somewhere with no help from anybody. How long will it take?

Friendship

I tend to ruin things

Do you know how frustrating is to see your best friends with other friends and you can't even say hello because you really never knew them better?

Do you know how it is to remember someone when they used to talk and spend time with you and now there's only like in Instagram pictures?

Do you ever wondered how I really am or just asked to be polite? Have you ever considered trying some effort to understand?

What the hell is going on? Who's the fuckin wrong person? Who's the one to blame? Who am I gonna call to share my secrets?

I failed as friend. With all of them. I fuckin failed. I'm a failure. A walking failure. I can't stand being so stuck inside my house seeing them having fun and not being there with them. I ruined the drops of social life I had.

I don't wanna be alone. It doesn't matter I have therapist, boyfriend, family. They are mean to be there for me. But what about the friends? How many times do I have to skip friends to find my place on Earth? Is it fair to be lonely? Or is it just a plan from God to get rid of my turbulent past and I didn't noticed yet?

Crap, dude, I'm tired of sharing things just with my mom, I don't have this SOS person to call when I make some shit. I have colleagues. High school people who still try to hang out with me. College mates who are twisted and high. Church known people desperate for attention and popularity.

I'm fuckin normal and I want a friend to come by my house and eat an ice cream bowl with me. A real friend who doesn't care about the distance but always find a way to be close. Everybody stepped out of my life. Everybody wanted to exclude me and just see me around Facebook sometimes.

I am tired of people "IDGAF", people who really make no case at all. People who don't care. People who can't even remember my last name. What can I do? I'm selfish, yeah. But I don't like to be used. Not even this word fits. I don't wanna be treated like another one. I get really deep into these things. Why can't they make an effort? Why is it easier to get away and forget about the other side of the friendship? Why is that so easy to make new friends and say "I miss you" to the old ones?