Life Sucks

Life sucks

No matter how many good things I do

No matter how much effort I put on it

No matter how many times I try

It never goes away

This feeling

This fucking feeling I'm a failure.

I can't get a job, I can't be popular, I can't be rich, I can't even have friends because they go away.

These are material things, even people. But right now I need it. And I haven't. Like that expensive medication doctor wrote. Like that fancy outfit I can't afford. Like that dream trip I'll never do if it depends on me and money. Like helping people to feel better. Like being more open to the ones I know. Like showing I know how to say I love you without facing the sky, ashamed.

I see no point to stand and fight. Nothing works right. I got no incentive. Just pressure left. So many thought on my mind, no one to talk about. I don't want to sound boring. I don't need a therapist again. I don't wanna go there again. I wanna be like a normal person. With no anxiety. With no social life problems. With no worries of other people inside my mind trying to play with my own appointments.

Look at them, they're happy. They can be lying. They can be suffering. But they don't seem to be like that. How's that so easy?

Every time I cry I feel I can't do anything. Empty. Every time I say "no" it's like I'm closing another door to that chapter in the book of my life. Every time I find something nice to do no one supports me and I don't even know why. Do they care? Are they sad I'm thinking by myself so small? What the hell is going on? Why is that so fuckin hard to share my feelings?

I don't want to sound a drama queen to anyone. I don't want to tell my whole life to someone feel pity about me. I don't want "wait and see" if someone will understand my white people problems. I'm no miserable. I'm no hunger, I'm just someone trying to reach somewhere with no help from anybody. How long will it take?

Friendship

I tend to ruin things

Do you know how frustrating is to see your best friends with other friends and you can't even say hello because you really never knew them better?

Do you know how it is to remember someone when they used to talk and spend time with you and now there's only like in Instagram pictures?

Do you ever wondered how I really am or just asked to be polite? Have you ever considered trying some effort to understand?

What the hell is going on? Who's the fuckin wrong person? Who's the one to blame? Who am I gonna call to share my secrets?

I failed as friend. With all of them. I fuckin failed. I'm a failure. A walking failure. I can't stand being so stuck inside my house seeing them having fun and not being there with them. I ruined the drops of social life I had.

I don't wanna be alone. It doesn't matter I have therapist, boyfriend, family. They are mean to be there for me. But what about the friends? How many times do I have to skip friends to find my place on Earth? Is it fair to be lonely? Or is it just a plan from God to get rid of my turbulent past and I didn't noticed yet?

Crap, dude, I'm tired of sharing things just with my mom, I don't have this SOS person to call when I make some shit. I have colleagues. High school people who still try to hang out with me. College mates who are twisted and high. Church known people desperate for attention and popularity.

I'm fuckin normal and I want a friend to come by my house and eat an ice cream bowl with me. A real friend who doesn't care about the distance but always find a way to be close. Everybody stepped out of my life. Everybody wanted to exclude me and just see me around Facebook sometimes.

I am tired of people "IDGAF", people who really make no case at all. People who don't care. People who can't even remember my last name. What can I do? I'm selfish, yeah. But I don't like to be used. Not even this word fits. I don't wanna be treated like another one. I get really deep into these things. Why can't they make an effort? Why is it easier to get away and forget about the other side of the friendship? Why is that so easy to make new friends and say "I miss you" to the old ones?