That's enough for me.

I'm tired of trying to understand why you simply hate, why you just decide to ignore and pretend nothing ever happened, I'm definitely tired of you, at all.
While you're slowly dancing sitting in your uncomfortable messy bed, laughing hard of all the inside jokes you create inside your own head, staring at the phone screen, making everyone turn against me because of the truth you think is real, here I am standing up, doing my stuff every fucking day, fighting against every fucking demon inside my head, every disgraceful thought about bullshit I read, about my own failures, about the uncertainties of my own future.

I can't waste time on your paranoias anymore. I can't read your mind and freak out every time I see your name around desiring what's mine by prize, by merit. I can't lose any more peace to keep going because of your shitty talk, that gossip you made up to yourself to hit me under the wrong circumstances, using the wrong substances, for all instances you're the wrong one in this whole situation.

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You not only know all of it but you also wanted it to end like this. You needed so much attention, so many free hands to touch you and make you feel wanted, so many voices to say the words you wanna hear, so many bodies and souls for you to use and devour. You're not even human anymore, you're just what was left from an old tale of an annoying and inconvenient parasite walking around its "preys" to choose where to suck all energies first.

You're coming to a new level of disgusting. You're downgrading to a way lower standard I've never seen before. You betrayed. You lied. You manipulated. You played your game this whole time, and now it's my turn. I have new rules and you don't fit any of them. You're out, and you'll always be out, 'cause that's what you deserve, that's what you finally get after so many failed attempts to see me fall. Not again. Not ever.

Postcard

I promised I'd never talk about you anymore nor write about my feelings for you, even though it's tempting everytime I take myself back at that time, back at that old time I once knew.

I promised not to say your name out loud so I wouldn't remember your hazel eyes staring deeply at me, your straight smile that used to pave the way for my mind to explore your many faces, your firm but soft touch on my skin when you held me, then I knew somehow you were missing me.

I promised to stay away from you, to stay out of your business, to keep you out of my life and move on from this confusing past we lived but... I failed.

Everything happened so fast like the time for drug effects to show up. You were my drug. The one I wanted so bad and coudn't have because it wasn't listed in my prescription. You were the drug I thought I needed to reach the top, to live an adventure, to feel alive for a while, to be different from what I used to be - just a regular kid around the popular ones.

You were popular. I could see all those interested looks at you and your skills, your dramas, your calls to all the attention you could have. You were special, fearless, radical, impulsive, a motherfucking bastard who stuck me into an illusion and poisoned me with a sweet kiss.

But I promised not to close my eyes to picture that moment again. I promised not to say a word and try to be as polite as I can. I promised to keep these emotions to myself 'cause I am a better person than I was before and I won't lose what I have right now for some teenage kind of a dream.

I promised not to sing those 80s songs you vibed so hard but it's hard for me let them go, you have a really fine music taste after all... and that's probably one of the reasons why I was into you in the first place.

Don't blame me, you have you charm continuously surrounding me so far, just because I never forgot about you, just because I wanted a bit more of it all.

Yes, I promised not to fall in love with you. For all circumstances, for the principles of my own life, for your reputation, for that stupid rule book, I couldn't love you, not even a little, not even if I already did.

 

Since You've Been Gone

Since you've been gone
So many things happened
So many people changed
So many laughs I kept just for myself

Since you've been gone
Injustice is all we have
We can't run away or hold someone tight
We can't kiss our loved ones or travel around the world

Since you've been gone
The world is a bitter place
There's no one we can trust
There's nowhere to escape
 
Since you've been gone
We're living one day at a time
We're struggling routine
Fighting to get out of bed

Since you've been gone
Life's a little less funny
Little less enjoyable
Little less beautiful

Since you've been gone
It's been three long years
No one is ever able to fill
This empty space no matter where I go

Silent days and scary nights
No one has been the same
Because nothing is ever the same
Since you've been gone

[1976-2017]

3 years

I'm not going to listen to your voice right now
I'm too weak to remember
I still can't understand why and how
You chose this path with no way back

Underneath this skin and smile
Dark roads and dust in the corner
Fear comes as to a little bird from a crocodile
Unavailable, unacessed, unable to catch any order

Another sun's rising here
Another day is up to me
What do I do? I don't know where to go, how to start again, when to feel ready
Honestly I lost all my convictions to this will of bringing you back

Why do you had to live such a sad time? 
Broken heart and fucked mind weren't enough for life?

You're not the one to blame, my dear
I can love you even more over the years.

How can I accept you're gone?
You're the only voice I wanna hear on my phone
Maybe I'm late to say
I just wanted you to stay
And now that you're far far away
I can only miss you more every day.

[1976-2017]

Buckley

 

River took you away
Flow carried you over for the day
When the night came
Black sky and thunderstorm showed us what they've made

Pure heart, full of grace

You were free
Then you were just free
From all pain, suffer, angst and anger
You were just free

I've been looking for the reason
Why'd you leave it all behind?
Why'd they make such comparison?
You knew what was real but I guess they were too blind

To see
To face it
To understand it

But you knew

You're free
You're just free now
No one can ever come closer to what you've become
'Cause you're just free

Tell me how it is
Tell me what you can do
Tell if it's real
So real

It's been a long time
It feels like forever
I'm not ready to say
My last goodbye

Can you feel?
The shape of the water through your skin
Can you hear?
The sound of the wind calling your name

Don't miss it
Just miss me
Just the way I miss you

You're free
Just free...  

[29/05/2020]

Bar Meetings

I got myself stuck inside this moment for a while, it's weird the way things just mean to be, it's even weirder to realise how it just happened. 
The way you were staring at me was so unfair, so outrageous, so disrespectful but so intimate like we've known each other for ages. You made me feel so uncomfortable, frustrated, violated, challenged and you didn't even need to say a word to cause such mess inside me. I confess, I wanted more.

How can I forget that? 
How can I simply ignore the fact I don't know when we'll meet again so I could confront you and take these answers from you? How can I just move on like nothing happened?
 
This mind game you played is turning to an obsession. When I close my eyes I can see you there again and again, I can touch you for once, I can feel your soft skin of your thinny body, I can breathe the same smoke-covered air as you. 

I feel constant agony from the mystery you've just put me in. No matter how empty your head was at that night, I will conspirate till we get face to face one more time. I feel sick whenever I get to remember I spent only a couple of hours by your side and you made me lose my appetite because I was busy growing a hunger of getting you out of yourself. 
I was busy wearing a suitable disguise so I wouldn't need to speak anything to you. I was busy trying hard not to be judged so I could get back home feeling good for a bit - but I judged myself the second I got there cause I let you fade away without even say a proper goodbye. 

Can a place hit someone so hard like this? It was just you in front of a dirty wall, half light above, annoying voices around sounding louder and louder every time and the empty bottles on the table. 
I could paint it just like the artists were doing right by our side.
But I'm no Da Vinci, nor Van Gogh. I'm just one confused, embarrassed, complex and quiet girl from the thousands and thousands I suppose you know from life. 

I'm just a bad writer with no sense of drama or humour trying to understand what just happened at that night. I'm just an anxious diver trying to get inside your mind as I take you out of mine. 
I take all possibilities before conclusions, I create all expectations before experiences, I write every feeling down before I actually get to feel them.

Are you ready to have this "not-so-deep" talk about the bad mixed drink of feelings I just ordered or should we wait till the hangover to end?

[20/01/2020]

Someday

It wasn't a dream
It wasn't a training
It was real
It was you and me
Looking to the infinity into your eyes
Touching the vastness onto your body
The way we were waiting for
For so long

I tried to resist
But I knew what's up to come
I knew you were going to convince me
I new what I was about to feel

The pleasure
The intimacy
The confidence
The passion
The moment

The moment I feel free
Nothing could let me down
No one could change my mind
Nobody could bother me
The moment I wasn't expecting
The moment my mind thought about only one thing

I never want to leave this bed
Never want to stop feeling this
Never want to let you go
Never want to say goodbye again

[20/01/2020]

Hello

I don't know how to start this.
I don't know the words to fit in.
I'm just speechless. 
Not scared, or surprised.

What are the odds of finding comfort in a pair of eyes?
What are the chances of being free from bad nights and people pointing the finger?
What are the odds of finally meet your angel ?

I kinda overreacted.
But it doesn't take the glow in my eyes. Or yours.
I saw exactly the same thing you did.
Can't you see? Better, can't you STOP seeing?
Of course you did recognized.

You didn't put in a box.
You literally wasn't discreet, didn't try a disguise.
Almost shouted to the other side.
And I know you wanted it.
I know you could've done any other thing than just observed.

You were there.
I was right in front of you.
You got it right.
No raw movements.
No regrets.

Just the look to each other.
Just the thoughts flying to the greatest date.
At the very morning.
At that random date, hour, place and situation.

You were there.
It's not my will to find you anymore.
It's not my mind trying to replace you anymore.
It's not my illusion in every face I look at.

It was you, and all you details, and all the things that, wordless,
made me trust in you somehow.

I don't even know your name.
I don't care.
But I know you are my saviour.
It counts to me.
This is all that matters.

[03/01/2019]